Para-memoir?

During silent meals (usually breakfast in the Companionary, but other times when I'm alone), I think. Lately I'm thinking about writing - not about what I'm working on (well, sometimes that), but about the process itself, and the feelings I have, and all the cautions I want to offer to you who might read it.  I'm beginning to think I could write a whole volume of precautions, prefaces, introductions, explanations!  I could fill the pages telling you how I feel about writing, about what I don't know about writing, what I'm learning about writing.  I could describe and explain why I'm not writing about something, or why I am.

Is this some new genre?  Or is it in fact a well-trodden path that I'm ignorant of?  I can't imagine it's well-trodden, for the simple reason that it would become hopelessly boring to all but a few.  Rather than inviting you into my story, I could put myself between it and you, endlessly, by telling you how I feel about writing this, what I think about it, what I plan to do with it.  I'd have to be a very good writer to hold your interest through a whole book of that - or even a longish article.

That's the beauty of blogging.  I can put that stuff here, and you can ignore it.  You can click on the posts that seem to be actual memoir.  Perhaps I'll put a "p-m" next to these other, excruciatingly self-referential posts.  But know this: it matters to me that you might read those pages too.  I'm writing now because I want to share it with you.  I have a journal for talking to myself.  This is different, in ways I don't know yet.  Somewhere between journal and memoir.  This is a space for blah blah blah that you might in fact identify with after all.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has these fears and dreams.  Maybe I'll encourage you to forge ahead in your own way.  Maybe not.

I wrote for an hour today.  Not this, but actually memoir.  Mary Karr advises us to start with the hardest memories.  I'm not starting quite there, but I am remembering a pretty bleak time, close to the worst.  And I'm finding the gift of remembering.  People I had forgotten, or given a glancing thought to, show up on center stage for a moment.  What the hell I thought I was doing shows up.  Who I was, begins to get clearer.  I know there's a lot of tedium to come, revisions and revisions, but right now I'm hurtling down lanes I had left behind.  I hope you'll come with me.

Terror

So, I've announced that I'm going to write a memoir.  People have said for years that I should, my brother and sister agree (little do they know!), and I became convinced this was a good idea.  I took a memoir writing retreat and got excited, and a little confident.  Now I'm reading about writing, and I'm terrified.  The last thing I had in mind was a project that would consume years before coming to fruition.  What did I imagine?  A nice little stroll down memory lane?  Well, with some of my memories it wouldn't be nice or a stroll - or a lane.  More like stumbling toward the House on Haunted Hill.  But still, there's a story to be told.  Lots of stories.  And maybe some truth.

I know the power of telling my story.  I lead recovery retreats, and each time I tell some version of a very long story.  I see what it does to others, and I feel the gratitude rise up in me.  I know my life is a miracle.  I want to share that miracle with others - with you.

But still.  What do I know about this kind of writing?

Then again, what did I know about writing academic papers, dissertations, books?  But there I was prepared for things to take a long time, and writing was a primary occupation.  Now I have a life that is much bigger than writing, and I'm hoping to make space for an hour a day - eventually.  Right now I'm at 15-30 minutes.

I guess I'm glad I announced this on Facebook and our community newsletter.  Otherwise I could back out.  I know I could back out anyway, but I don't want to.  I want to go forward.

I don't know what I'll be putting on this blog,  I just know I need a place to write about this process while it's going on.  Occasionally I want to share short sections from the memoir - probably before they're ready!  I've never been good at delayed gratification.  So this could be the site for big mistakes.  So what's new?  As you'll see, much of my life has been about running full-tilt toward things without a clue what I'm getting into.  Sometimes it's a disaster, but other times it's a blessing beyond anything I could plan.  So here I go.  Pray for me, please.